Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Focusing on our Inner-child

I was responding to a post earlier from a community on Google+ I am following and the post was speaking about acceptance and peace in your past. I think that this action on our behalf is important when attempting a Face to Face with ourselves. Can I sit here and tell you that I know the exact process? Absolutely not! I was a very wounded boy. I was a man walking around with a scared and scarred little boy on the inside. What a dangerous combination. My past hurts to look into. It's almost as if trying to swim underwater in the ocean with your eyes open. At the very beginning of this "look into my past" I had to understand one fundamental truth before I could go any further... I could not change anything that happened already. The past only guarantees us one thing.... and that is that the past is the past. The next step for me was to identify the moments that hurt me the most and distinguish each feeling from each other that came to mind and heart. It was almost as if my inner broken little boy was fighting me back from this trip of internal exploration. As I relived these moments I felt anguish and betrayed. I felt a hate and a desire to numb myself of the pain. My questions always began with why? Why me? How? And how come nobody stepped in to stop it? I remember at the age of about seven sitting at the dinner table with my mother and letting her know that I was selling drugs for a gang on our street and the only response out of her was that if I had any extra money I had better make sure there was milk in the fridge. I also remember my mothers screaming and moaning as I sat in our kitchen with no choice but to listen to her and a man I never knew locked in my bedroom on my bed. All I felt then as hate and betrayal that left  the thick taste of disgust in my mouth for many years afterward. You see...if I allow just a couple of seconds for myself to see things from a different perspective with no emotions included then I might gain a little understanding about my mothers situation. She was a child when she had me. She knew nothing of being a mother or the responsibility of adulthood. She was part of a vicious cycle also. Does this take away from the way I felt? No. Does this mean that what she did was ok?  No. But understanding helps with the forgiveness process. Sometimes we can get a little selfish within our problems. We refuse to see things holistically and instead we see them selfishly....These were the beginning stages of coming Face To Face with myself. This is what is necessary to move forward. To only remember isn't enough though. The work is allowing yourself to forgive and move on. I don't think I could ever forget anything but I know forgiveness is needed to move on.  It has become known to me that those deep and hidden things in our hearts and minds like the comfort of darkness. They ferociously wrestle against us when we seek to bring light to them and awareness into our life. This battle is a battle waged alone within yourself. Yes, you can have support. You can have guidance. But at the end of that rode.. which is the beginning of yours.. you ultimately walk alone.......

Food For Thought:  Are there any things you need to deal with that may be affecting you through your inner child? Have you forgiven someone who may have hurt you in your past? What are some of the emotions that you are feeling when you think of these situations?

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